Gay and Confused

(Disclaimer: I am not confused. That was me a few years ago. Right now, I'm pretty sure I'm gay the last time I check and I only used the title for the lack of better words for today's post)

I rummaged through my Yahoomail today and found an article I've written for a Yahoo group I used to join. Is there still some active Yahoo groups? Anyway, it was written by my 24 year old self. I remember writing it while sort of half drunk and brokenhearted. Around that time, I just ended a 3 month relationship with a guy I met in a bookstore. The guy was boyfriend number 1 and he was, as cheesy as it may sound, my great love.

What struck me was how honest I was when I wrote the article. It made me appreciate my 20s more despite of all the mistakes I made. Well, that's what you were really suppose to do while you're in your 20s. Make as many mistakes as you can and by your 30s, hopefully you learned enough for you to make the right choices so when you hit your 40s, your life will really begin.

But back to the article. I was still in the closet at that time and have less experience about love, life and sex. I'm a late bloomer, poor me so when boyfriend number 1 came along, my world was rattled. But more important, after reading what I've written years ago, I realize I made peace with myself a long time ago and embraced who I really am, and I couldn't be more happier.

Alright enough of this crap and here it is, the 24 year old me: conflicted, naive and closeted pouring his heart out.


This is for people who like me, got some loose screw somewhere. Actually, I don't know how to start this. No. In fact I don't know how should I end this. 

Now if you people find me messed up, that's fairly okay. I actually consider myself deep in a mess since high school. Maybe that's the reason why I always screw up. I screwed up when I was in school. I screw up at work and I screw up big time in life and love.

Ah yes. Love... 

When was the last time you people fell crazy in love? Me? I say it was just a month ago. For more than 3 months, I was with this wonderful guy I met (of all places) in a bookstore. I'll skip the generic description here as I may fill the entire page narrating how... how... adorable he was. How much I enjoy kissing him or spending my entire weekends with him. Watching the sunset or simply cuddling up with him in his room doing the censored stuff :-)

Anyway, the first few weeks was smooth sailing but I came to that point where I realized that hey, I'm more than just in love with this person. I am actually willing to do anything for him. I almost came close to "come out" to my family and tell them that "Mom, Dad, your son is gay. I am gay and I am in love with the guy I brought here two nights ago. You know, the guy I introduced as my officemate. We're actually planning of living together, if you approve."

But of course I didn't say that. I don't want my father to have a heart attack or hear my mom pray the rosary. (You can pretty much tell I'm from a conservative Catholic family, huh)

But I actually lived half my life fearing what if my parents found out that their eldest son is gay. Call me pathetic but I'm one of those closet folks whose major phobia is coming out of their secluded closet. Only four of my closest friends know that I am like this. People in the office have no single clue that I get a boner everytime I see our hunky security guard.

Sometimes I even hate myself for being gay. I often ask God "Why am I gay?" It's like being gay is twice the burden, twice the pain.

And that's the reason why I moved away from my guy. Pretty shallow, huh? My bestfriend kicked me in the ass when I told her that I broke up with my boyfriend. She told me I'm an idiot. Secretly I agree with her. But you can't make me admit that to myself. 

Maybe I'm a classic example of a crazy old fool. Idiot or not but my boyfriend I guess, failed to make me accept what and who I am, and he was just so perfect for me he scares the shit out of me. He doesn't deserve someone with no direction, someone who thinks Neverland exist, someone who could hear music from the stars when there is none, someone who spent half of his life daydreaming.

Gees, I think I need to find myself a shrink.

I just hurt a beautiful guy and I'm paying dearly for it. I wish I could tell him that I cried the hardest when I let him go. Three months was indeed short to call this true love but somehow, I'm glad that I was able to experience what real, genuine and selfless love is.

How I wish I was braver. No. The truth is I wish the world was brave enough to accept people like me and Neverland really exist and the stars could really sing.