Fifty Shades of F**k Up

Fifty Shades fans (me included) rejoice! Our dear Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele has finally invaded local cinemas but oh boy, what a cliffhanger it was.

For those who didn't bother to read the book or download the PDF version, the first book of the Fifty Shades trilogy ended with a bit of a full stop when things just started to heat up. Not that the film was a let-down. A bit of a yes there but how should I put it? It left you hanging when you're about to cum. And that's putting it bluntly.

Sigh.

I guess I should have just read the book again and use my lurid imagination on parts where Anna and Christian "get it on". You can pretty much tell that I'm frustrated with the sex scenes and yes, I really am frustrated with the sex scenes. To start with, Dakota Johnson's boobs are oh so small they seem to disappear when she lay on her back with her arms outstretch. I thought Anna has great boobs? Christian even complimented them in the book version. But why do I care about Dakota Johnson's boobs? I'm gay so I shouldn't care?

Not big enough?

Well honey, if you're going to star in a film which headlines BDSM nudity in all its Playboy glory, a nice set of boobs wouldn't hurt. But enough of Miss Johnson's boobs (she obviously didn't get them from mom Melanie Griffith). Apparently, she wasn't signed up for the film because of her boobs. She's quite a good actress in fairness to her. However, she failed to capture Anna's innocence or hmm, sarcastic wit. Was Anna ever sarcastic in the book? I guess it was just my imagination.

And what about Jamie Dornan? Calvin Klein underwear hunk now the object of every woman's and closeted gay man's fantasy. I should put a question mark there. Jamie is fine. He's a damn good looking Irish guy with fake American accent but he fell short in the convince-me-you're-playing-Christian-Grey acting part. I know he's playing our favorite Dom but I feel like I need to peer deeper into him to see Christian Grey. Yes, he dress the part and even spoke the line "We aim to please" with that Christian Grey finesse but oh boy, you failed to get me there buddy. You failed to get me.

Not sexy enough?

So should I stayed home and watch porn instead? Was it all worth it? I'd still give it a worthy yes. I'm a Fifty Shades fan and if you're a fan as well, you shouldn't miss this. You can just close your eyes if you feel giddy watching Dakota Johnson's little boobs or Jamie Dornan's cute ass.

If you're a fan or even just read the book out of curiosity or research(?), you'll grin with glee upon the sight of Charlie Tango or the 'Red Room of Pain' as Anna call it. I even gave a suppressed squeal of delight upon seeing Wanda, Anna's trusty old Beetle and poor Jose with his crush on dear Anna.

Like what most readers did in reading the book, you can just ignore the screwing part and watch this movie for its love story. It's a good film to watch this Valentine's Day. Drag along your boyfriends and gay best friends and enjoy every sick minute of ass whipping, erotic bondage, pelvic thrust and deep moans of silent orgasm. Even if it ended with a bit of a sad note, it only leaves you craving for more. More of Anna and Christian and how will their different worlds reconcile.

A bit of a downer by the way, dear old MTRCB opted to blur and block most of the sex scene's juicy parts. Why MTRCB? Why? It's an R-18 movie anyway so why block that nice view of Jamie Dornan giving Dakota Johnson a sensational cunnilingus (a.k.a. oral exam).

I should consider applying for MTRCB membership and I should also seriously consider starting a movie blog. But first, let me go to the bathroom. So long folks!