Fifty Shades of F**k Up

Fifty Shades fans (me included) rejoice! Our dear Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele has finally invaded local cinemas but oh boy, what a cliffhanger it was.

For those who didn't bother to read the book or download the PDF version, the first book of the Fifty Shades trilogy ended with a bit of a full stop when things just started to heat up. Not that the film was a let-down. A bit of a yes there but how should I put it? It left you hanging when you're about to cum. And that's putting it bluntly.

Sigh.

I guess I should have just read the book again and use my lurid imagination on parts where Anna and Christian "get it on". You can pretty much tell that I'm frustrated with the sex scenes and yes, I really am frustrated with the sex scenes. To start with, Dakota Johnson's boobs are oh so small they seem to disappear when she lay on her back with her arms outstretch. I thought Anna has great boobs? Christian even complimented them in the book version. But why do I care about Dakota Johnson's boobs? I'm gay so I shouldn't care?

Not big enough?

Well honey, if you're going to star in a film which headlines BDSM nudity in all its Playboy glory, a nice set of boobs wouldn't hurt. But enough of Miss Johnson's boobs (she obviously didn't get them from mom Melanie Griffith). Apparently, she wasn't signed up for the film because of her boobs. She's quite a good actress in fairness to her. However, she failed to capture Anna's innocence or hmm, sarcastic wit. Was Anna ever sarcastic in the book? I guess it was just my imagination.

And what about Jamie Dornan? Calvin Klein underwear hunk now the object of every woman's and closeted gay man's fantasy. I should put a question mark there. Jamie is fine. He's a damn good looking Irish guy with fake American accent but he fell short in the convince-me-you're-playing-Christian-Grey acting part. I know he's playing our favorite Dom but I feel like I need to peer deeper into him to see Christian Grey. Yes, he dress the part and even spoke the line "We aim to please" with that Christian Grey finesse but oh boy, you failed to get me there buddy. You failed to get me.

Not sexy enough?

So should I stayed home and watch porn instead? Was it all worth it? I'd still give it a worthy yes. I'm a Fifty Shades fan and if you're a fan as well, you shouldn't miss this. You can just close your eyes if you feel giddy watching Dakota Johnson's little boobs or Jamie Dornan's cute ass.

If you're a fan or even just read the book out of curiosity or research(?), you'll grin with glee upon the sight of Charlie Tango or the 'Red Room of Pain' as Anna call it. I even gave a suppressed squeal of delight upon seeing Wanda, Anna's trusty old Beetle and poor Jose with his crush on dear Anna.

Like what most readers did in reading the book, you can just ignore the screwing part and watch this movie for its love story. It's a good film to watch this Valentine's Day. Drag along your boyfriends and gay best friends and enjoy every sick minute of ass whipping, erotic bondage, pelvic thrust and deep moans of silent orgasm. Even if it ended with a bit of a sad note, it only leaves you craving for more. More of Anna and Christian and how will their different worlds reconcile.

A bit of a downer by the way, dear old MTRCB opted to blur and block most of the sex scene's juicy parts. Why MTRCB? Why? It's an R-18 movie anyway so why block that nice view of Jamie Dornan giving Dakota Johnson a sensational cunnilingus (a.k.a. oral exam).

I should consider applying for MTRCB membership and I should also seriously consider starting a movie blog. But first, let me go to the bathroom. So long folks!

Neverland

Happy New Year!!! First post this year - an email I sent to the guy who broke my heart last year. I was in love during the latter part of 2014 but it wasn't a happy ending. Hoping to find the real one this year (fingers cross)

Hey there kid,

I remember the first time I saw you. You look so unassuming, so confident in your own skin. Even if I wasn’t instantly drawn towards you, there’s something in you that roused my curious heart. I still don’t know what that is, you didn’t give me a chance. All I know is you really are something.

And yes indeed you are. You made me write down this email for one. The rest, I can make a list out of it. But that would be a bit boring and you already know what you have. However, I don’t know what you have that made me fall in your gravity. I don’t know what you did that kept me up all night. I don’t know what you’ve done to me.

Maybe I fell in love with you. Maybe I thought of you as this wonderful idea that I am capable of loving another person again when a long time ago, I gave my heart away and never had it back. I know that sounds cheesy and you must’ve heard that particular line from a movie (it’s from Sweet Home Alabama by the way). But please hear me because the moment I realized that I allowed myself to be trap in your snare, I had no way to free myself.

Which leads me to keep my distance from you. You see, as much as I wanted to punch you every time you seem to ignore me when you’re around your friends, I still long for that little ping from you each time I stare at my office computer. Even if I know that you have no idea what my favorite book is or favorite movie or where I was born, I know in the deepest pit of my heart that I want nothing but to be with you, smell your breath, kiss your nape and hold you. Just hold you.

Now I sound like I’m begging and this email is getting too long for you to read. But I don’t want to end this without letting you know of my biggest fear. I fear that you didn’t even care and "we" didn't happen. I was a little broken when you said that you were trying to return whatever insane affection I have for you because I don’t want you to try. You don’t really have to try. You just have to tell me if I need to wake up from my daydream.

So once again kid, what are you doing to me? You don’t need to give me an answer because I don’t want to hear it anyway. I just want you to give it a thought. My heart’s a little fragile nowadays and it endured a little bruising this past few weeks. But it doesn’t matter because for a few short days, you made me believe in Neverland again and that the stars could sing and you don’t need fairy dust to fly.

I hope you’ll believe on that too someday.

Me

Jeepney

Ang init naman. Dugyut na ko sa kakapawis, kulang pa ako sa tulog. Buti na lang naka-shades at cap ako, kahit papano naitatago ko ang pagka-haggardo versoza ko.  Ang ingay ingay pa nila ate sa harap ko. 'Te, wag mo nang iparinig yong nangyari sa 'yo kanina sa palengke. Di kami interasado.

Si Manong driver naman kasi, ayaw pang umusad. Isang tumbling na lang kuya bababa na ako. Alam kong kelangan mong kumita pero kelangan ko rin pong umuwi para maipagpahinga na ang aking...

Sheet. Cute ni kuya. Sakay ka na, maluwag pa dito. Kasyang kasya ka pati sa  puso ko. Mukhang bagay pa naman tayo. Naka-shades din ako, mukhang mas mahal nga lang yang sa 'yo. 'Tong sa kin sa bangkete ko lang 'to nabili nung isang linggo.

O ayan aakyat na. Lola don ka sa dulo. Naka-reserve na 'tong sa tabi ko para kay kuya guwapo. Kuya dito ka na umupo. Tabi tayo. Yes!

Bango mo naman. Amoy Safeguard na green. Yan din sabon ko. San ka bababa? Sana sa 19th din.

"Boss, bayad. Housing lang."

Ay... mauuna pa akong bababa sa 'yo. Kalahating kilometro na lang bababa na ako. Di ko pa nga alam name mo, civil status, edad, complete address, shoe size, favorite color at kung may chance ba ako sa yo.

Pero alam mo. Pag naging tayo, busog ka sa kin lagi. Sarap ko kayang magmahal. Magaling pa akong magmasahe. Tanggal pagod mo sa magical touch ko. Tapos lalabhan ko pa mga damit mo. Ipagluluto din kita ng favorite mo. Sana mahilig ka sa sunny side up, yan lang kasi ang nape-perfect ko (hehe).

Usog ka pa dito. Yan lapit ka pa sa kin para close tayo. Gusto mong mag-holding hands? Ako hindi lang holding hands ang gusto ko. Gusto na kitang iuwi sa bahay at ipakilala sa parents ko. Wag ka lang mailang sa tatay ko. Mahilig lang talaga yon manutok ng baril. Dati kasing pulis. (Peace tay)

Traffic. Yeeeeeeeesssss!

Dati palagi akong naba-bad trip pag matrapik dito sa C-5 kasi anlapit lapit ko na lang pero naii-stuck pa ako sa traffic pero ngayon, ipagdadasal ko na sana forever nang matrapik dito para forever na din ako sa tabi mo. Andami ko pa namang plano para sa ating dalawa. Gusto ko papatayo tayo ng bahay sa gitna ng bukid sa Bulacan para wala tayong kapitbahay at masosolo kita palagi. Tapos mag-aalaga tayo ng mga baka, baboy, kabayo, manok, shokoy. Sige aso na rin kung yon ang gusto mo. Wag lang Siberian husky at baka di yon sanay sa bukid.

Oy bhe natulo na pawis mo. Pupunasan ko ha? Wala nga pala akong panyo dito. Papaypayan na lang kita. Ayoko pa namang naiinitan ang mahal ko... My god, mahal na kita. Mahal mo din ba ako? Pag minahal mo ako di ka magsisisi. Kaka-open ko lang ng savings account sa BDO kaya secured na ang future mo at ng mga magiging ampon natin. (di ko kaya magbuntis, sorry)

Waaaah! Malapit na akong bumaba. Natatanaw ko na ang bintana ng kapitbahay namin. Ano number mo para matext kita. Papaloadan pa kita kung wala kang pangreply. Wag ka namang suplado. Feeling ko pa naman may future tayo. Ayaw mo ba ng commitment? Sige payag na ako kahit friends na lang. Basta may benefits: emotional, intellectual, spiritual at physical benefits.

Ayokong pumara. Derecho na rin kaya ako ng Housing para hatid kita at mahaba haba pa ang bonding natin. Feeling ko kasi talaga may spark tayo. Na-feel mo rin ba yon?

"Para"

Ay pucha, sino yon? Manong driver wag mong ihinto 'tong jeep mo. Nasa gitna tayo ng kalsada. Derecho tayo ng Housing. Manong wag kang huminto, wag... Shit ka manong.

Pano yan bhe. Hanggang dito na lang ako. Basted naman ako sa yo eh. Sana makakita ka ng mas higit pa sa kin. Yong mamahalin ka kahit sa panaginip niya. Kasi ako, mahal na mahal na kita sa sampung minuto na nagkadikit ang malaki mong braso sa balikat ko. Take care ka lagi ha coz I care.

Ops lumingon sya. Smile naman diyan. Kainis ka. Guwapo guwapo mo talaga. Hatid na lang kita ng tingin. Ba-bye...

Hay... sayang si kuya. Cute sana. Makauwi na nga. Teka, nasan wallet ko?

Ay pucha!

Welcome Welcome!

Well look at that. I have a new follower! Welcome to my blog Sepsep (for some reason I find your username somewhat kinky, haha!). Thank you for following my little blog. I know, I'm not as prolific as you when it comes to posting new blog post each month but I'm trying my best. (Sep maintains his own blog so you kids better read it, here's the link)

Anyway, I'll start a new practice from now on. Everytime a wayward soul follows my blog, I'll lay out a welcoming red carpet by posting something about my latest blog follower. I'll make you feel special by dedicating my entire writing skills (if I have any, hehe) writing "stuff" about you and for the first episode, I want to talk about my 9th blog follower Sep (I hope it's okay if I'll call you Sep because my naughty brain gets to think of something else when I mention Sepsep)

So here we go. Based on my research, my 9th fan(?) goes by the name of Geosef Garcia. I'm yet to confirm if this is his real name because I have an ex named Geo Garcia... I just made that up, sorry.

Moving on.

Sep is the eldest among children of four boys and nope, none of them are gays except for dear ol' big brother Sep. Sorry for outing you here, man. I'm into boys too so maybe we could uhmm, uh... go out on a date maybe? Haha.

Oh boy, shouldn't have said that. Sorry Sep, just run out of things to talk about. I mean, we're not yet Facebook friends or something. But should you decide to take me out on a non-romantic date, you can look me up on Facebook. Just type "cute single guy desperately looking for a date" in the Search field and you'll find a terrible mugshot of me wearing a green t-shirt and silly smile. Just try not to get distracted by my charms. I get distracted by it sometimes. Well, most of the time really...

Oh enough! Haha. Welcome again Sep and thank you for following my blog. I hope you click on the follow button because you like the shenanigans I post here and not because you think I'm hot. Just kidding. I'm not kidding about the date though.

So there.

The Fault in Our Stars

"I'm in love with you and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and oblivion is inevitable, and that we're doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only Earth we'll ever have, and I'm in love with you."

That my friend is a perfect line to deliver if you want to get laid after a romantic dinner in Amsterdam. Courtesy of Augustus Waters played by the dreamy Ansel Elgort, who by now made his way to a million girl's hearts just as Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner did after Twilight, you'll never go wrong winning the girl of your dreams while saying these lines with a lopsided grin.

But enough silliness as 'The Fault in Our Stars' which opened last June 6 has proven once and for all that a book about teenage romance and cancer can be a sure fire hit. A little heads up to those who'll attempt to watch this film by their lonesome. Don't make the same mistake I did dragging my lonely ass in a movie theater if you don't want to be caught sitting and sobbing alone while around you are a dozen smooching couples.

Just try your best not to pay attention to the love birds seated to your left and right because this movie is one hell of a cry-fest and a must-see for all you crazy romantics out there. You don't need to read the book to understand that this is a story of two teenagers who fall in love while having cancer. The film captured all of Gus's humor and Hazel's cynicism in a narrative so faithful to the beloved novel which every young people easily fell in love with (although I kinda feel it misses something I can't quite figure out, yet).

Augustus was a real treat to the girls. I can sense all girls and girls at heart (wait, I belong to that sub-specie) now wanted an Augustus for a boyfriend. Who wouldn't want a boyfriend who looks like this?

And Hazel? Well, Hazel narrates the story and young actress Shailene Woodley was as honest and vulnerable as her book version. Jennifer Lawrence, you better watch out because here's one who'll give you a real run for your money, or Oscar trophy.

On a more serious note, I feel that the film and the book begs to answer our own heart's questions, or more like our soul's struggle to understand: understand the infinity of the Universe, the mystery of Life, the tragedy of Death, the wisdom of God and the joys and sorrows of Love.

Anyway, after watching this movie or reading the book, I encourage you to fall in love like Hazel Grace and Augustus did. Love after all, is the sweet spice of Life and it never grows old. Okay?

Okay...

Funny Commercials

Hello y'all naughty boys and girls! Let's have a good laugh watching these funny commercials. Warning: video number 1 is sort of NSFW so better enjoy this in the privacy of your own bedroom.

That look of anticipation on the hairdresser's face was similar to mine, hehe. Lucky kitten by the way. Very lucky. Oh well, here's some more.

Just shave your balls if you have a hairy one. You don't want an Afro down there.

Damn. That ice cream must be that good it's worth licking that statue.

This one I find cute. Makes me wonder why can't we have similar commercials shown in this country? Not in the next 50 years maybe.

Had a great laugh at this one. And next is this evil of a cute little girl.

Last on the list is Snuffy the Seal's triumphant return to the sea. Really a bad week to be a seal, hehe.

Coming of Age

I stayed up late again last night and had an overdose from watching gay-themed short films on YouTube. There's something about short films that made it appealing to people with short attention span like me. Don't get me wrong, I love watching feature-length films but they should be action packed like a porn movie, hehe. Anyway, I found that most short films, especially gay-themed, depicts coming-of-age tales like this one.

Aren't they adorable? I love Olle. He's like a little brother I never had. Kevin's fine but Olle got all the juice. And what do you think of that kiss? I think it was sweet, young and innocent. A little tongue would make it hot though which reminds me of my well, my own first kiss with another boy.

It was back in college when I was 19: less complicated, a bit conflicted, naive, curious and ready to explore. The guy was a classmate but we rarely talk even if we live in the same neighborhood. I don't know how it all started but I remember him smile and I think I smiled back or maybe I grinned like a monkey because I have a huge crush on him. And then came the casual chat, a little hi, bits of hello, a wink here and there. This guy is playing me I think but no, he was curious to know me too.

So it began like that and it was fun. But I have no idea what's in store for me when we started going out. I never went on a real date back in high school because the idea seemed so clichéd for me but I'm glad that my first date was with a boy I so wanted to kiss - which was hot by the way. He was the first boy I ever kissed. There were many other boys right after that but he was something special. Who wouldn't forget their first kiss? I still remember every sweet breath of it, every second that my lips touches his, his tongue exploring my open mouth, his hand on my nape while the other holds my back, pressing me close to him, close to his body, engulfing me with an unfamiliar intoxicating warmth.

He was a year older than me so he knows his stuff and he taught me well. Most tricks I know in bed I learned from him. He was a good teacher and I was an eager-to-learn student. But it all came crashing down when that dreaded four-letter word joined the picture. I fell in love with him.

Turned out Mr. Sunshine wasn't in for it. The kiss, the touch, me exploring every sexy nook and cranny of him and him exploring me as well, it was all but nothing for him and so he ended up breaking my young little heart. That was my first heartbreak and it put an end to my innocence. I was devastated but I learned a lot from it and emerged as a boy well-educated with the ways of the heart and in some ways, I see it now as a day I come of age.

I just hope ours was a happy ending like Kevin and Olle. I don't know where is he now. He appears to be not on Facebook but I still dream of seeing him again. We all want to see again the guy or girl who first broke our hearts, right? See if they still have that charm that captured our sweet innocent hearts or ask them why? Why they have to break our heart? But nah, it's better we leave them where they are: the first page of our diary of broken loves.

Someone's waiting for you out there. You just have to look for him, or her, because sometimes, they feel like they've waited long enough.